When I was a young girl, growing up in the farmlands of Northwestern Pennsylvania, I used to actively search for signs of love in the world.
At about eight or nine years of age, I had encountered a cow up close that had a heart-shaped spot in the direct center of it’s forehead. A few weeks later, while riding in the car, I saw another cow with a similar heart-shaped spot grazing in a field.
From that moment forward, I became obsessed with finding cows with this special mark.
I found it remarkable at this naive and tender age that something like that could exist in the world; that, these huge, docile creatures were somehow magical.
In the following years, I must have spotted dozens, perhaps hundreds, more of these animals; what I considered to be bovine messengers of love… reminding us in small ways that love exists and is always all around, even in the places where we least expect to find it.
I can remember being in preschool at a local church in the mid-80’s where I had made friends with every child in my class, all but one.
This girl would, at times, pick on me or other children and seemed to actively push most everyone in the class away from her for some reason that my young mind simply couldn’t wrap around.
I would come home at the end of the day and my mother would ask me how my day was and if I had fun with my friends. I would explain how I enjoyed playing and learning, but that the one girl who kept mostly to herself seemed sad to me.
I repeatedly told my mother that I was going to make this girl my friend, I was going to make her smile and we would play together with our other friends.
I never gave up on this quest and, looking back on it now, I have no idea what my true motivations were, I was only five years old.
But, within two weeks of our preschool graduation ceremony, I had accomplished my goal and the young girl and I had become playmates. I had even managed to convince all of the other children in our class that she was a wonderful and worthwhile person.
We are still friends to this day… we aren’t exactly close, but I care for her and we keep in touch through social media.
Love has forever been the primary driving force in my life.
My mother has often told stories to me about when I was a toddler that I would walk up to total strangers and hold their hands without a single ounce of fear.
I’ve seen my son demonstrate the same thing; he has literally RUN up to strangers and wrapped his arms around them, affectionately offering his gift of love.
While this frightens me in an age where anything can happen if we trust too much, it also shows me that he is, like me, love-oriented which gives us a special connection that I cherish deeply.
I have learned over the years that
my deep love of others and the world around me
is the source of my power.
But, it has also been my greatest weakness at times, too.
It made me vulnerable to those who would use it against me.
So, I learned to keep it closely guarded, to protect myself.
Growing a shell on the wounds inflicted,
especially in recent years,
hardening and closing my heart off
from the connections I longed for
but wasn’t brave enough to engage.
These last few months of my life have been lessons for me in so many ways.
Some difficult to accept, others welcomed and warm impressions on my heart that I had somehow either forgotten or never realized before now.
The experience of growth and moving away from pain has been excruciating at times.
Especially because of the continued hardships that have been thrust upon us by the bunnies father, the Corporal.
But, the numerous efforts of the many amazing, caring, and wonderful people in our lives have far outweighed any difficulties that could ever be placed in front of us by one man with a broken heart and mind.
Moving through pain isn’t easy…
especially when it’s core wound pain that stems from early childhood trauma, such as this was, but:
every moment has been worth it and coming out of the other side of pain is like shedding a skin, an armor, that has become more burdensome than useful.
We emerge fresh. Clean. Open to possibilities.
When I finally let go of that old, dead weight… I mean REALLY, Let. Go. I realized that I will ALWAYS be enough to fill my own cup.
That I never needed someone else to do it for me and never will.
I always have been and always will be enough.
My love, including my love of Self, is my POWER.
I will never lose sight of this again. EVER.
Having recently emerged on the other side of this immense ocean of pain that I’ve been swimming and struggling in for years, most of my life in some ways,
I feel open, free, and
I welcome the world with open arms and open heart, ready to love again.
And, just in time, too…
I have met someone.
An INCREDIBLE someone.
And, while I am so excited to see where the new journey with this magnificent man (who has so inexplicably captivated my heart) takes me, I know that no matter what happens, I will still always be enough… always.
I have not only survived, but I am THRIVING.
And there is nothing that can change that for me now.
I know that I needed the lessons, the experiences of my life until this moment… they have brought me to this place of knowing.
And, I am grateful.
So incredibly grateful.
Namaste loves <3