Leaving an abusive relationship is a monumental step towards reclaiming your life and well-being. But, the journey doesn’t end there. One of the harder challenges survivors face in post-separation is dealing with the abuser’s flying monkeys. These are people who, knowingly or unknowingly, act on behalf of the abuser to manipulate, intimidate, or control the survivor. Understanding and navigating this tactic is an important step for maintaining your peace and continuing your healing journey.

What Are Flying Monkeys?

Flying monkeys - a term derived from the iconic film "The Wizard of Oz" - refer to people who do the abuser’s bidding. They might spread rumors, relay messages, or attempt to coerce the survivor into returning to the abusive relationship. These actions can be deeply distressing and undermine the survivor’s efforts to move forward.

The Tactics of Flying Monkeys

• Manipulation and Gaslighting: Flying monkeys may try to manipulate the survivor’s perception of reality, questioning their experiences and feelings. This gaslighting can make the survivor doubt their decision to leave and weaken their resolve.
• Spreading Misinformation: They often spread false information or rumors to damage the survivor’s reputation. This can happen within social circles, at work, or even within the family.
• Emotional Manipulation: Flying monkeys might appeal to the survivor’s emotions, using guilt, shame, or pity to persuade them to return to the abuser or to engage in further contact.

The Role of the Next Partner

One of the most potent flying monkeys can be the abuser’s next partner. This person, often unaware of the full extent of the abuser's tactics, can be manipulated into believing that the survivor is the problematic one. They might:

• Spread the Abuser’s Narrative: The new partner may continue to perpetuate the abuser’s narrative, portraying the survivor in a negative light and justifying the abuser’s actions.
• Act as a Go-Between: They might be used to relay messages or attempts at reconciliation from the abuser, further entangling the survivor in a web of manipulation.
• Increase Isolation: By aligning with the abuser, the new partner can contribute to the survivor’s sense of isolation, making them feel unsupported and alone.

Coping Strategies

Dealing with flying monkeys can be incredibly draining, but there are effective strategies that you can use to protect yourself and continue your healing journey:

• Set Boundaries: Firmly establish and maintain boundaries with flying monkeys. Limit or eliminate contact where possible and communicate your needs clearly.
• Seek Support: Connect with trusted friends, family, or support groups who understand your situation and can offer validation and encouragement.
• Document Everything: Keep a record of all interactions with flying monkeys. This documentation can be useful if you need to take legal action or seek a restraining order.
• Educate Yourself: Learn about the dynamics of abuse and the tactics used by abusers and their enablers. Knowledge is empowering and can help you anticipate and counteract these tactics.

Empathy and Validation

It's important to remember that if you find yourself reacting to flying monkeys, it's not a sign of weakness but a natural response to prolonged manipulation and stress. The abuser knows how to push your buttons and provoke a reaction, which they then use to discredit you. This tactic is designed to make you look "crazy" or unstable, but it’s a reflection of their manipulative behavior, not your worth or sanity.

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