"It's not black and white; it's about seeing the shades of gray in between."

– Unknown

Living through an abusive relationship is a complex and painful experience. One of the most confusing parts that survivors face is the contradictory nature of their abuser's behavior. In one moment, the abuser may seem like a loving and supportive partner, and in the next, they can be cruel and manipulative. This duality can leave survivors feeling torn and conflicted, unsure of how to reconcile these opposing experiences.

Understand the Cycle of Abuse

To understand why this confusion occurs, it's important to look at the cycle of abuse, which typically includes four phases:

1. Tension Building: During this phase, stress and strain accumulates. The abuser may become increasingly irritable, moody, or unpredictable, creating a tense atmosphere.
2. Incident: This phase involves the actual occurrence of abuse, whether it's physical, emotional, or psychological. The abuser's behavior escalates to an intolerable level, resulting in harm.
3. Reconciliation: After the abusive incident, the abuser may apologize, make excuses, or promise change. They may also shower the survivor with affection, gifts, or attention, creating a sense of hope and renewal.
4. Calm: This phase is usually either a neutral or even an adoring phase. The abuser may act genuinely loving, supportive, and charming, making the survivor believe that the abusive behavior was an anomaly.

By Avanduyn - Public Domain, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=6475995

Separation as a Survival Mechanism

Survivors often compartmentalize these different phases to cope with the trauma. They separate the loving moments from the abusive ones in their minds and bodies, allowing them to maintain hope and survive the relationship. This compartmentalization can lead to confusion, as the survivor struggles to integrate the reality that their abuser is both the person who hurts them and the person who appears to love them.

Many of my clients experience moments of resolve, when they're ready to leave their abuser, describing the terrible behavior that they've endured. They express so much shock and hurt that the person they love could do these things to them. All at once, my clients are very aware of every pain and problem that has been ongoing and accumulating. They see the abuser as pure terror.  While this is all understandable, the problem that lies within this "demonization" of the abuser is that it only creates a partial image of that person.

That's why, when the abuser comes back and is deeply loving, kind, and supportive, this creates questions in the mind of the survivor:

"How could I have thought this person was so terrible? Maybe they really are a good person?"

They believe the abuser is a 'good' person who just made a mistake and wants to make real amends and improve. But, the abuser is neither 'good' nor 'bad', they are simply a mixture of abuse and kindness. Surviving the relationship requires living in black or white, so the truth that lies within the gray area is often hidden to survivors. The abuser is BOTH the terrible person who hurt you AND the kind, supportive person you love. The sooner my clients recognize and reconcile this, the easier it becomes to move on and heal.

The Importance of Seeing the Whole Person

Recognizing that the abuser is neither wholly good nor wholly bad is incredibly important for healing. This understanding helps survivors to stop compartmentalizing and begin seeing the abuser as a whole person, capable of both kindness and cruelty. Coming to terms with this duality can empower survivors to make informed decisions about their relationships and their safety.

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