The pain and trauma that are felt after leaving an abusive relationship aren’t always about the heartbreak of losing someone. In fact, for many of us, the real pain comes from something much deeper: the slow erosion of trust, the constant gaslighting, and the emotional manipulation that leaves us questioning ourselves.

Today, I’m sharing my own experience about the father of my children who I had been separated from for 10 years and gotten back together with for a few months, not to point fingers, but to show how subtle emotional trauma can be—and how devastating it is when the person you trust most is the one manipulating you.

In my case, the emotional and psychological scars ran far deeper than a romantic loss. I faced a torrent of gaslighting that left me questioning my own reality. My abuser, who I’ll call Daniel*, used my own feelings against me, weaving a web of lies that led to confusion and pain. I found myself pleading for clarity in a relationship shrouded in deceit over and over again.

*Name has been changed to protect this person. Please don't try to find them. I've let them go, you can too.

Before diving into my story, I want to emphasize that my experience is just that—my own. Everyone who leaves an abusive relationship goes through their own unique emotional journey. Some might still feel pain and sadness over losing their partner, even if they were abusive. This is completely valid, and in no way do I want to minimize anyone's feelings. All emotions during this time—whether grief, relief, or confusion—are real and important. It’s the actions we take that matter the most, and how we choose to move forward with our healing.

Text Conversations With My Ex

In the beginning, I didn’t realize what was happening. There was doubt, but I chalked it up to insecurities. But looking back, the red flags were there—buried in the conversations we had at the time. My intuition was telling me that he was cheating on me, but whenever I would confront him about it, he denied and deflected, again and again.

What I'm about to share are REAL text conversations that I had with Daniel to help demonstrate my points. I have screen saves of all these texts, but I'm not here to try to prove anything about him, I'm here to illustrate what abuse looks like. Here’s a glimpse of what those text exchanges looked like:

Doubt and Confusion

Me: Half of the time I wonder if you're playing with me and keeping her close in case something drops out with me and you... like I might just be an option for you rather than the only one. Or worse, that you’re still seeing her at the same time as me. I don't want to think any of that, and I don't let myself believe it, but I have no real way to know for sure. And I don't have any real reason to trust it either. So, I'm just stuck here in this fucked up place. *crying emojis*

Daniel: I don't know what to say. What I am thinking seems wrong. I think you can't trust me and that will never change. So I want to say we walk away. But that's not what I think is best. But I also feel like that's selfish of me.

Me: There's just not much that feels safe around any of that for me.

Daniel: I don't want to make any of this worse.

This was just one example of how my intuition was screaming at me that something wasn’t right, but I couldn’t bring myself to fully trust that feeling. Instead, I kept looking to him for reassurance that never came.

When I confronted him about this painful gut feeling that I had about a woman he told me was just someone in his friend group, he shifted the blame to me for not being able to trust him... so, I chose to trust him instead of my own intuition.

Hesitation and Pain

Another conversation took place one day when he was parked outside my house. He wanted to come in before work to go to bed with me, and I hesitated, feeling uncomfortable. I felt like something was off and I was trying to connect with him in non-physical ways, but he just didn’t seem to understand—or maybe he didn’t care.

Me: I can't help it, I'm sorry. This part just really hurts.

Daniel: Well, I've already upset you so I don't want to make it worse.

Me: I went to bed thinking about finding your car that night and wondered if you would keep going there but just park your car in a different place so I won’t know. I'm so messed up about it.

Daniel: Tell me what to do. I got ten minutes.

Me: I'm just trying to connect with you in mostly nonsexual ways.

Daniel: Should I just go to work?

She lived a block and a half away from my house and I had seen his car there before, which is why I was worried that he was cheating in the first place. After this conversation, he drove away because I didn't let him in and he went to work. Later, he apologized for making me feel bad—and he is really good at apologies, like *incredibly*  good at apologies, it's a huge part of his manipulation—so, we stayed together and I tried to let it go. But, it turns out, that was the wrong thing to do.

The Moment of Clarity

Eventually, I couldn’t ignore my instincts anymore. There were just too many red flags to dismiss them all. The moment of clarity came when I received a photo—it was a group photo of Daniel standing next to Alice* (the woman I had been questioning all along) with some other people.

*Name has been changed to protect this person. Please don't try to find them. I've let them go, you can too.

Me: I had peace before you came in, Daniel. I worked REALLY hard for years to build that peace. Now, after a few weeks with you, I feel like a crazy paranoid person again and I don't know what to do with that.

(shares image where he was standing next to Alice in a group photo)

How does this stuff keep finding ME??? Why do I have to see this in my life? Because of you... I question every single thing we had this entire time. Everything.

Daniel: These are my people I have spent the last two years with.

Me: I hate myself for all of it with you so much.

Daniel: I'm sorry, and I hate myself as well.

Me: Your girlfriend is right next to you.

Daniel: Not my girlfriend, but nothing I say will change anything.

Me: Is that who you were with on the day before Christmas Eve?

Daniel: I can't say anything. I can only show you. That I'm working on myself. And I've told you that from the start.

Me: When I thought you were going to be with the kids that night? Nevermind, I am too broken and hurt to keep trying to figure this out. I feel insane. I hate it. I had peace, Daniel.

It was that moment when everything clicked. The peace I had worked so hard to build before he came into my life had been shattered by his gaslighting and manipulation. And the final blow? He had been hiding his involvement with her all along, parking his car in different places to keep me from knowing. EVERYTHING that I had confronted him about was true.

It All Came Crashing Down

I had confronted him many times and had multiple conversations about this issue both in-person and via texts, but Daniel *never* admitted to any of my concerns that I had addressed with him... not until I went to Alice's house and confronted her to find the truth. When I talked to Alice, she confirmed every single suspicion and even more. She was visibly upset and we continued talking in texts for a little while afterwards, but that didn't last long.

Eventually, Daniel decided to come back around with more of his epic apologies laced with lies and manipulation. He would plead with me to take him back, while bringing our children into it by saying he wanted our family to be together. I naively believed in giving people second chances and the 10-year-old trauma bond got the better of me, so I was dragged back into new cycles with him again.

It took me a little while to sort through all of the *new* lies and manipulations that had reeled me back in, but once I had finally given up, Daniel drove up to my house while our kids were outside. He had them come in and tell me that he was there, insisting that I come out to talk to him. I didn’t want to. My intuition told me it wasn’t going to end well, but I walked outside anyway.

He was sitting in his car, blocking the street, with the passenger-side window down, right in front of my neighbor's doorbell camera. That’s when he gave me an ultimatum. He said if I didn’t take him back, he would go chasing after Alice, the woman he had been cheating on me with the whole time. I was exhausted—emotionally, mentally, physically. I stood there on my front porch, just staring at him, feeling the weight of his words. Then I said, “I don't give a fuck,” turned around, and walked back into my house.

I found out later that she took him back so easily; it was sad, but I understood why. There was a strange sense of relief in that moment, though. It felt like the weight of Daniel's manipulation was finally lifted, even if just a little, because I was no longer playing his game.

A Third Party in the Gaslighting Cycle

As the manipulation unfolded, Alice (who, like me, was entangled in Daniel's web of deception) started to play a more active role in the ongoing emotional abuse. While she may not have been aware to the full extent of the lies Daniel was telling both of us, her actions became part of the cycle. She would spread negative comments about me to others in our community, which only deepened the isolation and confusion I was already feeling.

What was painful to understand at the time was that Alice had become part of the gaslighting. Whether she was doing so consciously or because she was equally manipulated by Daniel, she was now feeding into the narrative that I was the problem. She had become one of his flying monkeys. It felt like an attack on my character from someone I had never even really known, but who seemed fixated on my every move.

To this day, I still feel the effects of that dynamic. Despite my efforts to block Alice from my social media, she continues to follow me using catfish accounts, even after I've blocked multiple profiles. While I could continue to block each new account, I’ve realized that it’s not about winning a game of hide and seek. It’s about drawing attention to the unhealthy behaviors that this situation has fostered.

Alice, if you're reading this—and I know you likely will—please understand that I’m not here to vilify you. I share this because my hope is that you might pause and reflect on the pain we’ve both experienced at Daniel's hands. It’s difficult to see things clearly when someone else controls the narrative, but we don’t have to keep feeding into it. My intention isn't to shame you, but to invite you to consider whether this cycle of monitoring and obsession is truly serving either of us.

Healing doesn’t come from watching someone else’s life through a screen. It comes from focusing on your own, finding peace, and letting go of what no longer serves you. I’ve had to do that myself, and it hasn’t been easy. But I hope you can find it within yourself to do the same.

I want to be clear that this isn't about villainizing Alice. I recognize that she was likely being manipulated by Daniel, too. His lies had created a division between us, where I became the "other woman" in her eyes, despite the fact that he was the one orchestrating the entire situation. But even so, the ongoing smear campaign—whether intentional or not—became a form of emotional abuse that continues even now, long after I left the relationship.

SHARE ON PINTEREST