I come across so many people who question survivors of abuse by asking them, “Why didn’t you say something sooner?” or they assume that speaking out after the relationship ends is just about anger or bitterness.

These misconceptions not only hurt survivors but also perpetuate harmful misunderstandings about the trauma of abuse.

So, I'm going to share some reasons why survivors often stay silent during the abuse and why, once they're free, they feel compelled to share their truth with anyone who will listen.

Why Survivors Stay Silent During Abuse:

Fear of Retaliation

Abuse usually comes with explicit or implicit threats that make speaking out seem terrifying—or even life-threatening. Abusers may threaten physical harm, loss of custody, or public humiliation, making silence a necessary form of self-preservation.

Shame and Self-Blame

Survivors might internalize the abuse, believing that it’s their fault or that they somehow deserved it. Society’s tendency to blame victims only amplifies this shame, making it even harder to open up.

Manipulation and Gaslighting

Abusers are skilled at distorting reality. Through gaslighting, they convince survivors that the abuse isn’t real or “not that bad.” The psychological manipulation leads to a distorted perception of reality and self-doubt, keeping survivors in a haze of confusion.

Dependency and Isolation

Most survivors are financially or emotionally dependent on their abuser. Leaving can feel impossible, especially when the abuser has isolated them from friends, family, and support networks. The more isolated they become, the quieter they have to be.

Desire to Protect

Love and attachment can be huge factors in silence and compliance. Survivors might stay silent to protect their abuser, children, pets, or the fragile stability of their world, believing it’s better to endure the pain quietly than to risk upheaval.

Minimizing the Abuse

As a survival mechanism, some survivors convince themselves that the abuse isn’t that serious. It’s a way to endure the situation and keep functioning day to day. Admitting the truth, even to themselves, can feel like too much to bear.

Urge to Speak Out Once They're Free:

Validation and Reclaiming Power

When survivors finally leave, sharing their story becomes a way to reclaim their voice and power. Speaking out is a form of validation—a way to acknowledge, both to themselves and to others, that the abuse was real and that their feelings are valid.

Awareness and Healing

Telling their story can be a crucial part of the healing journey. Breaking the silence allows survivors to process their trauma and begin to heal. It’s also about shining a light in the darkness, helping others recognize abuse and find hope.

Setting the Record Straight

Many abusers try to control the narrative, spreading lies to protect their reputation. Survivors feel a natural urge to correct these distortions and finally share the truth. Speaking out isn’t about bitterness; it’s about justice and self-respect.

It’s time to reframe the narrative around survivors’ voices. The question shouldn’t be “Why didn’t you say something sooner?” but instead “How can I support you now that you’re ready to share?” Speaking out is a brave, complex act of healing, not an expression of bitterness or anger. It’s about finding freedom in truth.

To all survivors: your voice matters, whether you’re ready to share your story now or someday in the future. Your feelings—whether anger, sadness, or even longing—are valid. Healing takes time, and your truth deserves to be heard without judgment. For those supporting survivors, remember that listening with empathy and without assumptions is one of the most important gifts you can give.

Sending strength and support,

Gretchen

SOMATIC TRAUMA SPECIALIST + ENERGETIC INTUITIVE

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