The holidays are meant to be a time of joy, togetherness, and peace, but for those living with abusive relationships, they can often feel like the exact opposite. Abusers steal your joy and make the holidays all about themselves in the most awful and thoughtless ways.

If you’re nodding your head as you read this, please know—you are not alone. I’ve lived through it, too, and I know just how heavy it can feel.

For multiple holiday seasons, I can remember having explosive arguments with one of my ex-partners just minutes before we were supposed to leave for family gatherings. The shouting, the accusations—it was stressful and overwhelming.

By the time we would get to the event, I could barely hold myself together, was forced to smile and pretend that everything was fine. But on the inside, I was seething and exhausted, my emotions a tangled mess of anger, sadness, and shame.

Other times, I’d refuse to go at all, unable to put on a happy face, only to hear later how my absence was the subject of cruel gossip—instigated by the same person who caused the argument in the first place. No matter what I chose, I was punished.

It would completely ruin the holidays for me and I was expected to just absorb the abuse and not react. If I reacted, I would surely pay the price for not being merry enough and ruining *his* time. So, I would pretend not to be hurt or upset, to not rock the boat and make things worse.

But, keeping those feelings inside was making me sick. I ended up with an autoimmune disease that has been known to present when people hold in negative feelings for extended periods of time.

My personal experiences aren’t isolated incidents. It's not uncommon for abusers to escalate their behavior during the holidays. They might pick fights, isolate you from loved ones, or ruin events to maintain control. It’s their way of making sure that the focus is always on them and keeping you off balance.

Financial Manipulation and Holiday Stress

One of the hardest parts of the holidays for me was financial abuse. In one of my relationships, all the bills were in my name, but I had to give my partner money to pay them. Instead of paying those bills, he would spend the money on himself or on gifts to show off to others.  I also found out that he was stealing the kids birthday and Christmas money from their piggy banks.

When I found out later that the utilities were about to be shut off, I panicked, only to be told it was somehow my fault. It was a maddening cycle of blame and gaslighting, all designed to keep me under his control.

I'd like to think he has grown since this time and has developed new habits and ways of treating others, but this has not been my personal experience with him. I hope others can say differently.

Financial abuse can be especially rampant during the holidays, with abusers overspending, hiding money or purchases they don't want you to ever know about, or demanding extravagant purchases. If this is happening to you, it’s important to remember that this is not healthy behavior, and it’s not your fault.

Coping Strategies

If you’re finding yourself dreading the holidays, there are ways to cope and regain a sense of control:

1. Set Boundaries
   It’s okay to say no to events or situations that feel unsafe. Prioritize your well-being, even if it means declining invitations or changing traditions.
2. Find Allies
   Confide in someone that you trust—a friend, family member, or support group. Just sharing what you’re experiencing can lighten the emotional burden.
3. Plan for Peaceful Moments
   Create small rituals of joy and calm for yourself. For me, this sometimes looked like taking a quiet walk after a chaotic day or finding a cozy corner to read while the world outside felt loud and demanding.
4. Prepare for the Future
   The holidays are temporary, but a life free from abuse is possible. While it might not happen overnight, beginning to plan your way out—quietly gathering resources or speaking with a professional—can offer hope.

Underground Moves can help you safely escape.

For years, I thought the chaos and pain of the holidays were just how things were. It wasn’t until I began to see these patterns for what they were—abuse—that I could imagine a different kind of holiday, one filled with genuine warmth and peace.

To anyone reading this, please know that it’s not your fault. You don’t have to endure this forever. Recognizing the pain is the first step toward healing, and you deserve nothing less than a season filled with love, safety, and hope.

Wishing you peace and support,

Gretchen

SOMATIC TRAUMA SPECIALIST + ENERGETIC INTUITIVE